Alchemic Verse

Trying to build the life I wanted has required several new levels of intellectual, emotional, and intestinal fortitude that the prescribed, expected, and safer path I was on prior did not. As I make my way on this journey from grand master Tower moment to Phoenix risen, I hope to share a tidbit or two of the early lessons, hopefully avoiding preaching, ranting, or waxing too poetic. The first note is this:

People will struggle to understand the changes in how you feel and move, and they will be very vocal throughout. As a recovering people pleaser, this was the first hurdle that could have kept me stuck. Depending on your circles, this can range from polite confusion to visceral condemnation… and so, as i was barraged by negative reactions from all, I began to muse over what I was seeing…

Consider the opinions shared by first asking yourself the question “would I want to live this person’s life?”

• If the answer is no, then you don’t need to own the weight of their critique or the decision they think you ought to make, or that they’d prefer you to make instead
• Consider what is truly intended/being expressed – behind the words, are they simply worried or afraid for your well-being? Is this idea of change uncomfortable against the backdrop of their own world/wishes? Hopefully your circle doesn’t include this flavor, but – does this person directly benefit from the version of you that you are growing out of, and to what degree is that use/control vital to your relationship?
• If the intent is good, you can choose to accept this love behind the words and drop the critique of the advice that doesn’t align with what you know you want and will work toward
• Any feeling carried away from these conversations apart from “I love you, thank you for caring for me, but I know this is my path” must be released to make progress, as there is much to accept in the range of loss and change

I’ve reminded myself of this every time I’m alone with my thoughts reeling in the perpetual ricochet of echoing doubt or criticism, which – given the volume of these kinds of statements especially – can rob the present of its extraordinary excitement, accomplishment, freedom…

The Voyage [pronounced like in Bon Voyage, ‘voi-yajj’] began with almost 500 miles of driving through sorbet sunset, violet dusk’s majesty to the deep dark backroads after midnight, heading to a rural spot with myriad stars glittering as the crescent moon kissed the horizon and disappeared.

The starlit cottage caught my fatigued form in one of several available jiggly mattresses, horn-blasting freight trains rumbling just 30 feet out back every few hours. Two hot showers pm/am saved me, though my deodorant was buried somewhere in the car tetris. Today promised another ~500 miles until the next landing, choosing my stops and stays along the way, listening to and singing hours upon hours of music.

Now, at the proverbial save point of this second stop, a twin home decorated with quirky colorful art and replete with a comparatively *fabulous* mattress, I will be present. I have had really tasty tacos for dinner, my dog is snoring softly at my feet, which she cuddles with her front paws, and I’m barely keeping conscious myself. I do have to get something to wear tomorrow out of the car tetris, get a shower…

In this present moment, I feel grateful, tired, and excited in a ratio of like mm. 3:2:1… another chunk of miles on the morrow; my next port is booked ahead. Time to lean into the Bon of the Voyage, and keep the path.